


And you want to travel with her, and you want to travel blind

by Ghostietea



Category: Fruits Basket, Fruits Basket - Takaya Natsuki (Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Cuddling & Snuggling, Domesticity, F/F, Kissing, Kyou can purr, Light Angst, Mid-Canon, Nightmares, Pre-Relationship, Rule 63, Sharing a Bed, Tohru's emotional issues, Unresolved Feelings, Unresolved Sexual Tension, lesbian guilt, lesbian!Kyoru, lesbian!Sohma Kyou
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-15 02:14:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28805664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghostietea/pseuds/Ghostietea
Summary: Kyo felt she was being deafened by the unending drone of things left unsaid.
Relationships: Honda Tohru/Sohma Kyou
Comments: 4
Kudos: 18





	And you want to travel with her, and you want to travel blind

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Quick tw: one of the pov characters has some pretty bad internalized homophobia

Scene i

_ Bloom _

_ Or, Kyo Sohma's abridged memory of how she arrived at this point _

Kyo was not as pissed off at the idea of having a roommate as she was of the idea of inhabiting the same house and school as that dirty rat, but it was a close second.

The newcomer, her  _ roomate, _ was a girl in all the ways Kyo was not. Everything about her was soft and brown and cutesy, wrapped in an assortment of flowy shirts and skirts. She cooked and cleaned and stood almost a head shorter than Kyo, which put her on edge. Worst of all was her name,  _ Tohru Honda _ . Kyo thought it was sorta funny that she too had a boy's name, but that wasn't it. Kyo hated it because she  _ knew  _ that name.

Then Tohru whacked her in the face with a bag. After that point they sorta got along.

Kyo was still not quite comfortable with the rooming situation though. She was used to ignoring and redirecting anger about major traumatic events, ignoring another girl in her room, not so much. They eventually fell into a routine of casual avoidance, calculating their routines to fall on different hours, together for any length of time only when the lights were out. Kyo often did homework in the living room. She slept facing the wall, studying the pale plaster instead of the sleeping face of the girl across the room. Tohru talked in her sleep, Kyo was too embarrased at having noticed it to bring it up.

See, Kyo had secrets and secrets and secrets, layers of quiet deception that merged into a maelstrom of twisted emotion. All of them made her feel bad for being around Tohru. All of them, she was certain, made her a monster wearing human skin.

One night Tohru's friends invited themselves over for a sleepover. All of the desins of the house but Tohru were less than pleased.

When it came time for bed, Kyo refused to follow them. The look of disappointment on Tohru's face felt like a punch to the gut. Grabbing her blankets, Kyo curled up between the crowded shelves and boxes that populated Shigure's book room. The room was dusty, thick with the scent of paper and aged glue. It made Kyo sneeze. From down the hall, Kyo could hear echoes of laughter, a clear mark of the camaraderie that the trio had. That Kyo couldn't have. She pulled her knees to her chest to help fill the empty space growing under her lungs. The clock ticked by, and soon the chatter from the other room faded.

She couldn't sleep.

Another couple hours and she gave up, groaning as she creakily stood to grab a 3 am shower. She stayed there watching the water circle the drain until her legs shook.

On the way back she paused to look at Tohru's room, her usual room, the door slightly ajar. Kyo remembered poking her nose through the crack in the door, the three long asleep. She was struck by the quiet intimacy of what she saw, the trio cuddled together, hands intertwined and long hair haloed out beneath them. Her hand absentmindedly ran through her short ginger locks.

She wanted it, that easy belonging other girls had with eachother, wanted it so much that it ached in her bones and the cavity of her chest. She remembered she was a monster, and felt sick to her stomach at the thought of joining them. Girls or normal people, she didn't belong with them, it would be like letting a hawk into a hen's coop.

Digging her fingernails into her arm, Kyo trudged back to the book room, feeling like she needed to shower again. She went to sleep facing the wall so that she wouldn't have to see the companionless room.

After that, Kyo thought more about herself and Tohru.

They were close now, friends maybe, but that just meant Kyo had something to loose. She asked Shigure to let her move rooms, and she was gone in under a week. Tohru's shoulders slumped when she heard the news, but she still helped Kyo move.

Kyo was not, would never let herself fall for that girl, but she wanted to play it safe. Because the universe hated Kyo enough to make her cursed more than once.

Days, months passed, they ate together, lived together, studied together, if anything they only became closer. Then, Tohru found out.

Tohru ran, but not away from her. She saw the true manifestation of Kyo's corruption and clung to its' slimy, rotted skin, begging it to come  _ home _ . Kyo was a goner the moment Tohru softly embraced the weakened ginger cat, cradling her as she walked back to the house. She didn't know it, however, till several months later.

It was Akito's fault. Whenever something wasn't Yuki's fault it was always  _ Akito's. _

Strange enough, Kyo was taller than that man, but it didn't matter when she was knelt on the floor trying to curl in on herself as much as possible.

She said she didn't love her, but she did. She loved Tohru so much that it filled her heart, her soul, her body. It burned within her, a constant hum that filled her with warmth and anxiety. But Kyo was not a girl who was allowed to dream. She'd do what she'd always done, hide it inside where it couldn't taint the few days she had left under the sun. Then she and her feelings would be locked up deep where her love could never see them.

It was a proven method, but with days and months, boggled plays and scarily knowing gazes from brown eyes, Kyo started to wonder if her testing was faulty. The part that scared her the most was that she wasn't sure it was just her that could feel it. Tohru knew something, and Kyo wasn't sure she wanted to find out what.

Scene ii

_ Overgrowth _

_ Or, How Kyo Sohma tried _

The kitchen was warm that night, the breeze drifting in from the open paper doors mixing the rich scent of earth with the lingering smell of dinner. The clinking of dishes sounded from beside Kyo, a reminder of Tohru's presence as the two put up the cooking remains. Yuki had some business that was running late, and Shigure had loudly and (Kyo suspected) pointedly announced his leave for a nap as soon as dinner was over, which meant that it was just Tohru and Kyo. Alone.

It's not that the girls weren't close, quite the opposite in fact. They melted together in a way that just worked, a companionship that no one could deny. One so deep Kyo was afraid she'd fall into it and get stuck. Lately though, things were a bit… tense.

It started as a light tap in the background, an energy as if lightning was just beyond the horizon. Then it got louder. And louder. Every swift brush against eachother, every conversation left hanging too long, every accidental look sent a current of electricity between them. Clicking, the whirring of machinery mixed into their dialogue, the ticking of a clock that was hurtling far faster to an inevitable end than seemed real. They shook it off, fell together into the normalcy that they always did. But when they were alone it just got harder to drown out.

Kyo felt she was being deafened by the unending drone of things left unsaid.

Tohru reached across Kyo, tapping on her wrist with a  _ hm. _ Kyo's hands were large next to hers, rough and strong with close clipped nails. In comparison hers seemed delicate, soft even with the callouses from years of work. Kyo thought the contrast made them look nice together.

Mouth feeling dry, Kyo handed over the empty tupperware that she was holding and scooted away, carrying an armload of vegetables to the fridge. Her eyes flicked over to Tohru on the way, noticing the carefully wrapped plate of stir fry on the counter next to her. Even when he'd up and ditched their routine roomies dinner, she was still looking out for that rat. It made Kyo's chest warm in an achy way.

Tohru really was too damn cute.

Shaking off that train of thought, Kyo happily shoved her embarrassingly hot face into the fridge, ready to organize some veggies. She picked up on light footsteps behind her, but ignored it.

When Kyo stood up, swinging the fridge door closed and stretching, she felt the light knock of a small fist on her back.

Kyo snorted good naturedly. "Aye, what're you doing punk?"

The drag of a foot tracing circles into the wood floor. "Just thinking."

"About what."

Tohru breathed in deeply, voice slow. Her tone was overly chipper, something Kyo knew to be a sign of a cover up. 

"Kyo-kun… you'd trust me to tell me things right?"

Kyo made a big show of crossing her arms. "Hmmm"

"But I'm your best friend! Right Kyo-kun?!" Tohru chirped indignantly, stomping once to emphasize her point.

Kyo whirled around and Tohru took a step back, face flushed. Kyo bonked her right on top of her cute head. "I wouldn't be so sure of that, dork. An airhead like you?" 

Tohru averted her gaze, rocking back and forth. Kyo suddenly felt cautious of whatever she was going to say next, a knot curling in her gut.

"Kyo-kun have you ever heard that you can tell a woman is in love by looking at her back?" Tohru said quietly, stumbling over the words a few times.

The knot tightened. Fear oozed into her, augmented by the possibility that she had been  _ seen _ . Tohru was not a dummy, not completely, sometimes the questions in her brown eyes rendered Kyo paralyzed. She had this nagging feeling that Tohru was catching on, had caught on. Or worse.

Kyo was growing more and more aware that Tohru seemed to be dancing along to the same tune as her, something even more horrific then her just pushing Kyo away.

She was used to rejection, she'd take it over all the roaming maybes of  _ the other thing _ any day.

But she was wrong,  _ of course she was. _

"No, because it's nonsense." Kyo said, breaking the heavy beat of silence. She turned back around, hands fumbling as she fussed with the magnets on the fridge, pretending there was some reason other than her own nerves.

Tohru inhaled sharply, "Well, I was just watching Kyo-kun and I thought… would she tell me if she was in love?" 

Kyo froze. "Me? Hell no, what sorta boy would like me?" She forced a laugh, too artificial and shrill, and gestured at herself. At her tall, broad shouldered figure and short hair and corded muscles. She thought she picked up on Tohru making a small noise.

"And I don't want any of em' either for the record."

It was quiet for a second, then Tohru padded over, gently resting her face on Kyo's back. She grabbed handfuls of Kyo's shirt, a tremor running through her arms. She might as well have stabbed Kyo through the heart and sucked the air from her lungs.

"IT- it wouldn't have to be a boy." Tohru exclaimed suddenly. Kyo felt every muscle in her body seize up.

_ NoNoNoNo _

She couldn't do this, not now not ever. Not in the middle of the kitchen.

_ Fuck. _

"Now what're you going on about?" Kyo said, a trace of a growl edging into her voice.

_ Fuck. _

Tohru released her, floorboards creaking as she moved away. 

"Nothing I guess." Tohru said, voice very quiet and even toned.

Suddenly, the kitchen didn't feel as warm anymore. Kyo hugged her arms to herself, ashamed and angry and how  _ stupid _ and  _ obvious  _ she was acting. She rested her forehead against the cool fridge door, hoping that maybe if she just didn't move or look at her Tohru would leave.

Tohru, of course, didn't. She stood a respectful distance away from Kyo's side, taking the edge of her t-shirt sleeve in her fingertips and tugging lightly. Kyo guessed that, from the way her knuckles were brushing against her bare arm, that she was rubbing it between her fingers. Kyo refused to budge.

Tohru sighed, arm going limp though she didn't release Kyo. "Look, Kyo-kun, I'm trying my best."

Kyo didn't have time to respond before the front door opened with what seemed a deafening sound. The two jumped, but didn't move fast enough to avoid being spotted by Yuki. Kyo thought she saw his gaze narrow for a second before softening and fixing on Tohru.

"Honda-san, I'm home!"

Tohru took several swift steps back from Kyo, waving her hands wildly. Kyo stalked off to sit at the table, face burning.

"Eeh? Yuki-kun, welcome back! I was just going up to study, your dinner is on the counter!" Came the muffled voice from the kitchen.

She heard the sound of Tohru swiftly scurrying past her and up the stairs. She tried to breath in and out and slow and deep and all the things her Shishou had taught her to control herself. It was only a few minutes before Yuki leisurely strolled into the room, sitting politely and starting to peel the cling wrap from his meal. Stinky rat didn't even warm it up.

Kyo stared at the table, feeling Yuki's stare boring into her skull.

_ He knows. He knows. Stupid boy could have everything I want and he has the audacity. _

She grit her teeth. It had been a while since the days that she needed to fight him like she needed air, but that didn't mean his condescending, superior demeanor didn't make her want to scream. It made her feel powerless, in a way, it was something far less easy to fight than a punch or a kick. Quiet agression just had Kyo wanting to break things, to scream out just to do  _ something  _ to gain a scrap of power. She felt a growl building in her throat.

_ A smirk, the low sound of a trailing coat dragging across the floor, anger, a collar grabbed roughly. The smell of old things and sickly lush camellias drifting in the air. _

_ "A monstrous little girl like you could never win over a real man like that." _

Kyo slammed her fist on the table, grounded by the warm sting.

"Quit looking at me sissy boy! Jealous you'll never be half as manly as me?!"

Yuki gave her a cold, long stare, exhaling sharply and setting his chopsticks down.

"Oh really then. If you're so manly why haven't you grown a pair yet."

The room felt silent, but everything inside Kyo was  _ screaming _ . She was seething, furious. How  _ dare he _ , how could he have everything she wanted and still look at her like that. How dare there be nothing she could do about it.

_ Because he can see right to my rotten core _ .

Fists still curled, Kyo stomped off.

"I'm going to study too." she growled, and dissapeared up the stairs. 

Scene iii

_ Pruning _

_ Or, how Tohru Honda was done _

_ Tohru was lying on a futon on the floor, eyes barely cracked open and sticky with sleep. The room was dark around her, save for a harsh beam of light shining through the open door. She could vaguely make out a figure standing in the doorway. _

_ "I'm off, Tohru." _

_ Tohru felt her lungs seize in panic. She tried to speak, but only hoarse air whistled out, refusing to form into words. _

_ Be safe _

_ Please be safe _

_ Don't leave me _

_ As the door slowly closed, she tried to bolt up, but her blanket was too heavy, entangling her and weighing her down. _

_ Snap, the door shut. _

_ Tohru's blanket loostened and she sat up, breathing heavily into darkness. The ground below her felt softer than before. Somewhere in the black void, she heard the creak of footsteps. The door opened again, just a crack. Tohru wanted to gasp. _

_ This time, the light illuminated a sliver of what Tohru knew to be her current room and, tears streaming down her face, Kyo on her way out. _

_ Tohru didn't even have time to try anything before she left, plunging Tohru back into darkness. _

_ Throwing off the blanket Tohru stumbled in the dark to the door. She had to yank on it several times before it it came loose, but when she was free to look out into the hall she was not met with the short-haired Sohma girl she was looking for. _

_ Akito leaned easily against the opposing wall, a nasty smirk stretched across her pretty face. When she saw Tohru she stalked across the hall like a cat, tilting Tohru's chin up with a long nailed finger. _

_ "What did I tell you?" Her voice was Tohru's voice. _

_ Breaking out of the slowness she'd been possessed by, Tohru shoved the other girl away, sending her careening back into the other wall.  _

_ "Where is-" _

_ But who was Tohru asking about? Who did she need to find? Her mom? Kyo? _

_ "Where is she?" _

_ Akito chuckled "You'll never see her again." _

Tohru gasped awake, pitching off her bed and tumbling to the floor. She hit with a loud  _ thud _ that wrang in her skull. Groaning at the dull throbbing that now permeated her body, Tohru curled in on herself, still tangled in her blankets.

Somewhere out in the hall she heard footsteps, then her door slowly creaked open. Backlit, the intruder's features were hard to make out, but Tohru could recognize that shock of ginger hair anywhere.

"Tohru?" Kyo questioned, worry in her deep voice.

Tohru felt sheepish, but a bit of the curling anxiety had subsided with Kyo's presence. "I had a nightmare."

Kyo padded over to her, leaving the door ajar. Crouching beside her, she offered Tohru one of her strong, calloused hands and Tohru took it, letting Kyo pull her into a sitting position. When she was up Kyo sighed, leaning her head against Tohru's bed and gazing at her with those striking orange eyes. A bit of her hair was scrunched up and sticking out where her head met the mattress, which Tohru thought was rather too cute. Kyo watching her brought her awareness back to her own body, how she was still breathing heavily, tears stinging the corner of her eyes and heart beating too fast in time with the pounding of her skull. She saw Kyo's eyebrows scrunch up.

"Geez Tohru, is there anything I can do?" Kyo said softly.

Tohru thought to herself, to the thrum of anxiety coiled like a snake in her gut. She glanced to her side at the warm beam of light cast from the crack in the door and knew immediately that she'd hate nothing more than to see it closed.

Tohru breathed in deeply.

"Could you stay here for the night?"

Kyo immediately looked awkward, scratching the back of her neck under the collar of her shirt. With the time to cool down some from her dream, Tohru remembered snippets of their tense interaction earlier. 

"Um, it's nothing! I cuddle with my female friends all the time, and it's not like anyone else here can hold me…" 

Kyo sighed, a slight smile coming over her. "Oh fine."

Tohru hummed in satisfaction and pulled herself up. Still feeling pretty shaken up she crawled into her messy bed, thankful when her aching head hit the plush pillow. She looked back to Kyo, gesturing for her to get up by aggressively patting the mattress beside her. Kyo slowly climbed on, cautiously feeling out the bed like a cat. She sat looking down at Tohru, not quite lying down yet.

"Kyo-kun?"

"It's nothing, just haven't really shared a bed since I used to stay over with Kagura when we were kids."

With that, she lay down. Tentatively, Tohru wiggled over to lean against her, pleased by the soft warmth of Kyo's body against hers. After a moment of hesitation, Kyo enveloped Tohru in her strong arms. Wrapped up like that, Tohru was all the more aware of the slight tremors going through her body. Seemingly to feel it, Kyo made a small noise and hugged Tohru tighter. 

"It's okay now Tohru," Kyo whispered into her hair, "let's go back to sleep."

Tohru was content with this, melting into Kyo though her anxiety wouldn't flee so easily. Being with Kyo like this was warm, but in a different way from any normal sort of temperature. It felt  _ safe _ , it felt  _ right, _ Tohru was sure she'd be content to lay like this forever. 

(It, she noted, made sure that the door hadn't closed.)

She tried to ground herself further, focusing on the rythm of her and Kyo's breathing. She noted the sounds of the night and the house, the hum of electricity mixed with creaks and the chirp of cicadas. The low vibration pressed up against her.  _ Huh. _ Tohru pressed her ear to Kyo's chest.  _ Definitely not imagined. _

"Kyo-kun are you purring?" Kyo seized up next to her.

"Gahhh, no" she said, vibration distorting her voice.

Tohru laughed and Kyo rolled over and curled into a ball, pouting cutely. Tohru sat up and poked her cheek. Kyo made a growly noise deep in her throat.

"Hm, I read that sometimes cats purr to comfort their loved ones when they're sad or hurt." She said cheerily.

"Well it's embarrassing." Kyo grumbled, covering her face with her hands. Despite this, she was still purring. Tohru rested a hand on her side in the small gap between her crop top and her sweats. The rumbling felt nice under her fingers.

"I think it's cute."

Kyo sighed, "well at least you're feeling better."

Tohru's fingers involuntarily clenched. Kyo noticed.

"Tohru, do you want to talk about it? You don't have to hide why or if you're sad around me." she said, voice soft and inviting.

Tohru felt heavy, the weight of possibilities slithering back over her. She lay down so that her arms were resting on Kyo's side, and her chin tucked into that, putting them into a strange T shape. Feeling the comfort of Kyo's purrs, Tohru sighed. 

"It was about my mom, I don't really want to talk about it." she buried her face in her arms so she was sure Kyo couldn't see, "But, thanks, if I'd want to talk to anyone about it it would be you."

"Y'know you're going to have to learn to open up to people other than me." Kyo said, almost a whisper. There was a hint of sadness in her voice that Tohru didn't like. And she seemed to get it too, drawing in more on herself as if she wanted to retract the statement not a second later.

"Huh?"

"I mean I'm not going to be around forever."

This was absolutely the wrong thing to say.

Tohru felt like she'd been dunked in ice water, fear drowning her and coursing through her veins full force. She knew it,  _ of course she did _ . But there was a wretched finality to Kyo saying it. She sat up, wrapping her arms around herself. Kyo rolled over on her back, half propping herself up on her elbows. Tohru could see in her eyes that she knew what she'd done. The purring had stopped.

When she got enough breath Tohru turned to Kyo, the threat of tears stinging her eyes. She distantly realized how impolite the loudness of her voice was, but she didn't have it in her to care. 

"But why, why does it have to be that way?! Why, why why! Can't we just stay together in this place always?

Kyo just looked at her sadly, and this gave Tohru pause. She knew it was a sore spot for her too, for her especially. Silently, Kyo opened her arms to Tohru, and Tohru accepted, crawling over so she was sprawled on top of Kyo, face in the other girl's chest. Kyo stroked her hair, feeding it through her fingers and unsnarling it when needed. It was terribly, heartbreakingly intimate, and Tohru was scared at how much she loved it.

"You know why." Kyo said. She did. "Besides Tohru, someone like you shouldn't be stuck with someone like me her whole life.

Tohru strongly disagreed. She was rather in love with Kyo thank you very much. But Kyo thought differently. It made sense, she'd been taught that way, but Tohru wished Kyo could see what she could see, the beautiful human that she really was instead of the cursed monster.

Her mind drifted elsewhere, down a different path. To the loaded gun that lay ready to fire between her and Kyo.

She absentmindedly thought to how Kyo acted around other girls, her awkward distance, the way she always refused when Hana and Uo came to stay the night. There was a sick irony to it, considering what she knew about both herself and those two, considering why she thought Kyo was staying away.

She threaded a hand through Kyo's short locks, wishing she knew how to impress on her just how not alone she was.

"Why." said Tohru quietly.

"I'm messed up Tohru, in more ways than one," she absentmindedly tugged at her bracelet with one finger, "I'm not like you, you shouldn't get too close" 

"And how do you know I'm not?" Said Tohru firmly.

She pulled herself up so that her head lay in the crook of Kyo's shoulder. Tohru buried her nose against the soft skin right behind her ear, breathing in the strong scent of men's shampoo with no attempt to disguise what she was doing. She felt Kyo's chest shudder under her body.

"How do you know?" She whispered slowly, deliberately, her lips brushing against Kyo's ear.

"Tohru, you don't want to know."

"Kyo-kun, I already chased after you once, I  _ want _ to know about the parts of you that you think you must hide." She raised herself up to meet her eyes head on. "Even if I'm scared, I won't run off." She said, more a challenge then a statement.

"So?" Said Kyo defensively, as always pulling back before a breakthrough could be made. 

Tohru was so tired of this, so tired of both of them dancing around eachother and pretending they could avoid the issue that hung over them like a looming storm cloud. Tired, but still stubborn.

"So show me something to make me scared."

Kyo looked surprised for a minute, but then something in her orange eyes hardened. What it was, resignation, determination, Tohru didn't know, but it sent a thrill through her.

"Okay." Kyo said, slowly and full of an emotion that Tohru couldn't name.

Smoothly, Kyo flipped them so that she was over Tohru, wiry limbs framing Tohru's body. She could feel the pillow dipping on either side of her head where Kyo's hands were braced. Their eyes met for a minute, and a thousand freewheeling emotions were captured in that short gaze. Tohru could hear their hearts beating out in the relative silence, loud and frantically matched. Kyo seemed to be studying her face, mapping out its features to plan her next movement. Something warm twisted in Tohru's gut.

Then Kyo bridged the distance between them and kissed her.

It was soft at first, tentative and slow, and then it  _ wasn't. _ Tohru enthusiastically fed into the kiss, nearly crashing their skulls together. She wrapped an arm around Kyo's back, pulling her top half flush against Tohru. In return Kyo made a strained little growl noise into Tohru's mouth.  _ Hot. _ And it was, a hot, intoxicating kiss fueled by months of pressure building up until it exploded. Tohru wanted this, she had wanted this for so, so long, and the fulfillment of that selfish wish felt  _ good.  _ She totally, definitely had a big fat crush on Kyo Sohma. She decided to deal with this crush by slipping her tongue into the other girl's mouth.

Oh this,  _ this was exactly what Tohru wanted. _

Kyo's hand trailed at her hip, tentative and light. She let it go lower, abruptly pulling back when it hit the soft skin of Tohru's thigh, exposed by her skirt riding up. 

"It's okay." Whispered Tohru breathily.

She pressed her smaller hand on to Kyo's, guiding it down to rest on her thigh again. Kyo grasped it, pulling Tohru's leg up, fingers hot on her bare flesh.

They were both undone.

There was a ferocity to the push and pull between them, a wild energy rocketing so fast that they could only hold on for their lives. Maybe it was desperation. There was certainly a melancholy to it, a beautiful sadness. They lay there for what could have been hours or seconds, laying into eachother like the other would disappear if they didn't push hard enough. Then the kissing slowed again, and Kyo rolled off of Tohru to lay beside her. Tohru was certain nothing had ever made her feel both so warm and cold at the same time.

"So, you scared?"

_ Oh. Yeah. That. _

"No." said Tohru resolutely. The moment was fading, flickering into nothing. Tohru wasn't sure it'd ever been there at all.

"Geez, my best idea and it didn't even work. Whatever, use that as practice for your future boyfriend." Kyo said in a cagey voice, flipping over so that her back was to Tohru.

Avoid. Deflect. Fall back on the same old web of illusions and denials she'd used to protect herself for years. 

"Am I going to have to say it?" 

Kyo didn't reply.

Tohru sat there in silence, then, resigned, rolled over so that her back was to Kyo's. She pulled the blanket to her chin and lay there wake for a long, long time. She just kept coming back to the same old image, her mom leaving just to be replaced by Kyo. 

What was worse, she wondered, a sudden loss or one she'd had time to dread?

A betrayal or an abandonment?

When Tohru awoke, Kyo had already gone and the door was shut.

**Author's Note:**

> -title is from Suzanne by Leonard Cohen because I listen to it obsessively while I late night pine.
> 
> -Kyo is a lesbian. Kyoru are good but would be 100 times better as wlw. Don't hate me I speak the truth.
> 
> -I am sorry not sorry for the unresolved ending this is uh, supposed to be a bit of an angsty one. After this though it pretty much progresses up to the confession as normal. 
> 
> -Third act Kyoru are disasters. A pit of emotional repression.
> 
> -Tohru btw accepted that she was sapphic back in middle school because she had a cool bi mom tm. This does not stop her from having too many emotional issues to confess.
> 
> -Yuki and Kyo mlm wlw hostility. It becomes them.
> 
> -someday I may write explicitly trans or nonbinary lesbian Kyo but I felt like I'd need more room to feel it out in a fic, it'd need to be more of a focus. 
> 
> Anyways thanks so much for reading and I appreciate any comments or kudos! Shout out to my lesbian Kyo co-conspirator, Zoe Miss Coverly Lesbian-Kyoru, go check her out! If you want to hit me up I'm @ghostietea on Tumblr and Twitter <3


End file.
